The Church Lady Doesn’t Like Contraceptives

The church lady doesn’t like contraceptives.

Being obedient she prefers the rhythm method

With a calypso beat, in and out and in and out, cha

Cha, cha while she watches the calendar and while

She has a watch, she watches the phases of the

Moon.  The sun is the father and the moon is the

Son and once a month the moon drips blood from

Its craters and disappears for three days

And then is born again and when the full moon

Appears, drivers veer into the wrong lane and every-

Body is a bit off kilter and every once in a blue moon

There is a blue moon and everyone just goes a bit nuts, but

The church lady remains steadfast and contends that

The tomb was empty and the spirit was very neat

Because the linens were folded very nicely where

The head had been.  The man in the moon smiles

Down on her in her beatific state and she

Feels the warmth radiating from the sun to the moon

To the spirit to her and comforting her when she

Thinks about the ins and the outs of rape and how

Politicians are pronouncing ex-cathedra that legitimate

Rape doesn’t result in pregnancy and that women’s

Lives are safe as safe can be and never at jeopardy

In pregnancies that result from rape because God

Wills it and the church fathers just look quizzical

And don’t say a word and the nuns shake their

Heads and the church lady feels she’s on morally high

Ground because some Indiana politician pontificated

And so she continues to reject contraception, and after all

She does have the man in the moon to help her with the

ins and outs of the whole bloody mass of a mess.

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