And That You Can Trust

Hi, I’m Mike Pence and you are not
and you probably don’t have my
silver locks nor my silver-tongued,
stentorian voice practiced over
and over for radio and then TV
and then politics. I use it to deny
evolution, deny that I lust, deny
abortion rights, deny that I lust.
deny gay rights, deny that I lust,
but I demur, distract, distrust, dis-
dain, dis, dis, dis, and dat, but I
digress. Might I just say (Do you
hear that stentorian voice? I practice
in front of a mirror while combing
my gorgeous hair.) that our country
has so much to give thanks for with
President Trump at the helm of our
ship of state until overboard he falls
and my country calls…me…to be…
captain and in a navy blue dress
uniform laden with medals I will
stand tall on the quarterdeck
hand steady on the wheel, and
in my deep voice (can you hear
the stentorian voice right now?)
I will call, “All men on deck!”
and it will be all men (hetero-
sexual men only) because women
have no place on a ship and have
I told you that I do not lust? Here,
let me say it with a little deeper,
more authoritative voice, “I do
not lust.” Isn’t that a great voice?
I just love hearing myself say
profound things, non-fake news,
in that voice, truths like, “I do
not lust and that you can trust.
What’s that? Disgusting unction you say!
Patently and positively patronizing?
Fie on your picayune protests!”
Pence squawked in his
true, squeaky, little voice,
“For your mortal soul I shall pray.”

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