Watching the Tributes

Watching CNN’s and the Travel Channel’s tributes,
Anthony’s privileged life, great hair,
ring in his ear and his desert boots
didn’t amount to so much as a hoot
in giving him reason to live.
What was his motive?
Who knows what demons lurk in the
heart of a profoundly sad man?
He seemed resolute in his plan.
It is so bizarre watching a ghost on air.
The stations want you to sit and stare.
He strung himself up by a classy bathrobe belt.
As he left this life quietly, he never yelled.
Still it could be said he went out in style.
Anthony, where is that irrepressible smile?
I don’t mean to be mean
but this one thing has to be seen.
Right now I’m angry at you, Bourdain.
But, still, I don’t hold you in disdain.
My dad did the same —
before there were all these aids
to help save
and give a sad soul something about which
to be brave.
his life to save;
He was a poor, immigrant kid,
couldn’t speak English;
orphaned as a young teen;
what fear he must have felt;
what nightmarish dreams;
foster home after foster home;
Scandinavian shame —
eventually he looked at himself to blame.
Bad health, couldn’t work
everything dearth.
He didn’t leave a note either
but I became a believer
in his suicide.
Except in death, he had nowhere to hide.
At you Anthony I want to be mad
in a way I couldn’t be at my dad.
For me and my dad
I was, am and always will be…so sad.
Maybe I’m projecting on you, Anthony,
some unrecognized anger at my dad.
Therapy helped answer that
and for that I’m glad.
Now, after getting this out,
for you Anthony, your friends, your loved ones,
your TV fans,
I’m just feeling really, really benauwd,
as the Dutch say, so, so very suffocatingly sad.

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