The Imperturbable Vegan

She seemed imperturbable,
as cool as a cucumber,
but she lost it all,
when the deli skipped her number.

She went on quite a rant
about injustice and prejudice.
A woman in the produce department
dropped a large head of lettuce.

It landed on her foot
and she screamed to high heaven.
A man remembered a time
of a holdup at a Seven-Eleven.

It seems just as chaotic
but without any evidence of a gun,
but in a panic, he shouted it anyway
and sent everyone on the run.

Before you knew it
the cops and swats had arrived
Everyone ducked for cover
when the deli guy called out, “Number five.”

Her number being called,
the discombobulated customer
regained her composure,
and stated with calm assurance,
“To this unfortunate occurrence
could we please bring some much-needed closure?”

The police thought it over
and beat a hasty retreat.
The deli guy asked the woman
“Are you looking for cheese or meat?”

Coolly considering the question,
the woman haughtily addressed the man at the deli,
“I beg your pardon, I’m a vegan,
so I’m off to find peanut butter and jelly.”

The doors then automatically locked
when management panicked and shut off the power
but not before the heat from the grill rose
setting off the sprinklers giving everyone a shower.

The customers and employees all stood there
looking like drowned rats
and staring daggers at the vegan
dreaming of roiling cauldrons and boiling vats,

in which to toss the imperturbable woman —
the cause of all the commotion,
but she heard the doors unlatch
and made for the exit without any emotion.

“Where exactly do you think you are headed?”
In unison their protest they did utter.
With a haughty dismissal, “The Seven-Eleven next door
has my favorite jelly and peanut butter.”

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