Dear Classmate (name omitted to protect the identity of the poor soul who actually put together the regrettable high school 50th class reunion),
Thanks for the invitation to the high school class of 1962 summer picnic (You are actually going to go for a sadomasochistic of the non sexual variety follow-up to the original horror show?), but I was so traumatized by former classmates’ shock at what was perceived as my hideous physical appearance after fifty years that I could never cope with going through that ever again.
I thought I was in relatively good shape for a sixty-eight year old guy who jogs four days a week and has logged 25,000 miles (the equivalent of around the world at the equator) in forty-three years and I didn’t think less hair made much of a difference, but I remain, following the 50th Class Reunion last October, an ever emotionally scared and scarred person. My therapist is helping me deal with my newly experienced agoraphobia. My wife still begs me to take the dog outside, but even if I could go outside, the dog doesn’t want to be seen with me. He was with us at the reunion. Maybe someone from the class got to him. He always seemed to be pleased with my appearance before that.
Yours truly, The ever unrecognized and unacknowledged class officer (“Well, I guess we don’t have any class officers with us this evening.” the class of 1962 reunion corpulent beyond recognition host stated over the microphone while the hapless, hideous class officer sat at the dinner table with those who were unwilling to lift a finger to say, “Hey, he might be hapless and hideous, but he is here.”),
p.s. Feel free to suggest to any and all classmates (maybe not the cheerleaders with their cheerleader capes and facelifts or maybe for sure them) my blog site where I write mostly poetry. I had a few choice pieces about the 50th class reunion written in the month of October 2012.
Dear Classmate (sorry about the misspelling of your to be kept anonymous name in the original reply),
One last thought — I noticed several on the missing list are actually dead, so just add my name to the missing and presumed dead list.